exsecutus | inbox.

From:

How surprising that you have opinions.

[Which is usually good, but.]

Why do you believe there ought to be such uncertainty?

From:

rathercommon

I think -

[ She takes a breath, and lets it out, trying to figure out how to articulate this. ]

I think - there's no such thing as a right answer. Not completely right. All there is in the world is the best of a lot of choices. So you've always got to keep yourself tormented by all those other possibilities, always thinking - but what if this is the wrong one? What if this other one's better? 'Cause if you end up totally sure you're doing the right thing, and never think about it, you'll end up - [ To take an example totally at random - ] Nothing but a lot of greedy thieves, enriching yourselves and convincing yourselves you're doing it for the people.

From:

exsecutus

[The other thing about opinions is, Kitty has proved to have ones along the right lines. Which means that Nikos actually listens, which is more than most usually get.

Hm.]

And how is it you keep from lingering in torment, and never getting anything done.

From:

rathercommon

[ That question gets a bit of wryness in return: ]

Honestly, Nikos, can you really imagine yourself ever possibly lingering paralyzed in torment? I don't think that's ever going to be a problem for you. You're far too determined.

From:

exsecutus

[He grunts. But it's an amused grunt, and so close to a laugh.]

It's the wine. And the fifteen years of steeping in disappointed and frustrated misery, that helps to adds an extra measure of clarity as well. Answer for yourself instead. How is it that you know to move on something, and stop yourself from standing on the threshold?

From:

rathercommon

Well -

[ She hesitates a moment, then confesses: ]

This is a new theory for me. I haven't exactly had the opportunity to test it out yet. But - [ More decisively: ] I don't drink wine, but I've had seventeen years of disappointed and frustrated misery. So that's enough to give me a kick in the rear if it's needed, I fancy.

From:

exsecutus

Are you dating back to your birth?

From:

rathercommon

Well, yeah.

From:

exsecutus

[Okay he came here to talk business--actual, serious business, which he cares deeply about--but at that matter-of-fact response, Nikos actually

laughs.

It's short, ends in a snort. But still.]

That's dramatic.

From:

rathercommon

[ And Kitty can't help but be a bit distracted from the matter at hand by that. ]

I didn't know you even knew how to laugh.

From:

exsecutus

Don't sound so surprised. Or so interested. The occasion is rare, because everything is shit.

[But he isn't curdling, for once. Just getting drier.]

And there are matters more important. Like the Divine, which is what I actually want to talk about.

From:

rathercommon

Yeah.

[ She lets out a breath and turns her thoughts to the far more solemn matter under discussion. But, well...She feels a little bit lighter for that brief exchange. Both because she's fond of Nikos and that brief moment of connection was nice, and - on a selfish level - because it's rather reassuring to know that one can be an old revolutionary and not be completely embittered. ]

You're right. Okay. I'll need a little while to think about whether I'll help you out with this or not. Is that all right?

From:

exsecutus

[Speaking of curdling--]

No. [Sour, instantly. His amusement is going quick, crashing him back toward acidic disappointment. Bad enough that he's feeling more exposed than he'd like to, having revealed more than he'd have liked. Idealism brings it out in him more than anything else. It's what makes him talk with any earnestness, giving away little parts of himself. Nikos hates it. He's starting, quickly, to hate this conversation.] If you even think refusal is a possibility, do it and be done with it. I don't have time for this.

From:

rathercommon

[ Oh. That snap hurts a bit, especially after she herself had been feeling a bit...Well, a bit more open than is her usual wont. She bites her lip, and is quiet a moment - then takes a breath, and makes herself push that disappointment away. ]

Why? What's wrong with giving me an opportunity to think?

From:

exsecutus

As I said already. There is no time. If you will help in this, and commit to carving out this difference--

[For fuck's sake. He cuts himself off, frustrated.]

It should have been started earlier. Much earlier. The chance for this is very slim and there is work to be done. Travel to Antiva. Time to secure what we need. If you are hesitating, then you are refusing, and I will need to start this shitting conversation over again.

You have told me things that you have done. You tried, to make change. That is what I am doing. That is why I came to you, not to all the fucking lords and ladies of the Inquisition, who are playing at revolution because it is in fashion.

From:

rathercommon

[ With a mixture of frustration and contempt: ]

Barely playing.

[ Then: ]

Sorry, though. You're right - you've been enduring this endless waiting, and all this failure to change - You've been enduring it fifteen years. I haven't been here in Thedas even one, and I'm nearly about to go mad from it. You must be about ready to snap.

From:

exsecutus

I don't want an apology. Or pity.

[Or need it. But.]

I want there to be a change. I intend for it to happen, one way or another. If you are truly driven mad by the state of Thedas, then you do not need time to think.

From:

rathercommon

Except that - Well. I've acted before, because I was so furious, and half-mad. And when I did...I made so many mistakes. And what I did just made the magicians stronger, in the end.

[ She bites her lip, and hesitantly articulates something she hasn't really put into words before - ]

I guess I can't really...entirely trust myself.

From:

exsecutus

That's the stupidest thing you've said yet.

[--he counters, flatly.]

You know what happened then. You don't stop yourself. You change what you do, how you planned. You think fury is your flaw, then find a way to temper it.

But fury is fuel. If you aren't furious at what you are surrounded by, you will be mired in sleepy contention. Don't use it as an excuse. Use it as a weapon, and if it doesn't do what you want, make it.

From:

rathercommon

But when I did before - everyone died.

[ That's blurted out. She winces soon as it's said. But it's been said, so she explains unhappily - ]

The rest of the Resistance. We were stupid and so we all died. Except me.

From:

exsecutus

[Unseen, Nikos narrows his eyes suspiciously, but permits himself to prompt:]

Are you telling me this story or only revealing a piece of it.

From:

rathercommon

[ She shakes her head. ]

I don't...Do you want to hear it?

[ It's a real question. And she expects the answer's going to be no. ]

From:

exsecutus

Want is a strong word.

You seem determined to tell it. If hearing it makes me understand why you're choosing to interpret a failure as an excuse to not do anything meaningful, ever again, then by all means.

From:

rathercommon

[ Bitterly: ] Thanks.

[ She's tempted to just leave it be and say nothing. She knows that it's not going to impress him, the story she tells. He's not going to think any more of her for it. And he's certainly not going to be chastised or regret it if she refuses to tell it. But - But, well, you know what? She doesn't give a damn what he thinks of her, if he thinks she's a hero or pathetic or misguided or anything. What she cares about is - is being herself, and not being ashamed or afraid, and maybe using the lessons she's learned to help others. Because she's a revolutionary too, as experienced as he is - or if not as experienced, then at least experienced - and he can learn from her, damn it all.

So. ]

We were desperate to get our hands on weapons. That's what Mr Pennyfeather cared about more than anything - getting us weapons to bring down the magicians. And a magician got word of that, figured it out, and fed us a lead. See, in the tomb of the Founder - Gladstone - there was this staff, massively powerful, and guarded by a series of spells and an awful demon. The magician gave us the intelligence about the spells, but not the demon - decided to just throw us all at it, see if any of us made it through alive. And we fell for it. 'Cause we were just so hungry for it.

From:

exsecutus

[Nikos is not impressed.

But he is listening. There is something about Kitty--not something that he likes, even--and nothing that he would ever admit, not even in minute or ways otherwise unconscious. Something akin to an acknowledgement. A kind of respect. She's come from somewhere. There is a belief in her, which looks out through her eyes. It is the same for him.

The story is not surprising. An elaboration on what small details he's known. It's also not surprising. A story that he knows, different words, different translations, different iterations.

So he grunts, first. Acknowledgement.]

How many were among you?